bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
