i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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