On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
