i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
