Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
