omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
