so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
