Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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