He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
