I need to stop coming to work sober
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
