I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
