so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
