I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
