I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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