i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
