Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
