Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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