there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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