sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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