Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
