Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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