I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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