Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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