Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
