my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
