I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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