I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Did I show you my penis last night?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
