They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
