shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
