yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
