My first STD was from a foam party
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
