Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
