I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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