Sry I called you an 8
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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