Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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