ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
