True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
