I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
