I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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