I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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