do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
