i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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