Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
