you guys were way drunker than both of me
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
