If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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