I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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