I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
