I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
