I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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