If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
