Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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